Going through Dellia’s Graduation – An Overseas Fan’s Journey

I am very sad about Dellia Erdita’s graduation. When the news first broke out late on Monday night, being prepared for it was the least anyone could do. She had been very active on Twitter, and there had been no sign that the graduation/resignation wave was going to pass over to the 2nd gen at all, so it came about as a nasty surprise.

Making it for her Final Show

Deciding to fly over for Dellia’s last show was a super last minute event. When I was informed that she might hold her last show on Saturday, it was already close to Thursday midnight but luckily there was enough time (10 minutes!) to apply for general tickets before the deadline I left it all up to chance, and to the will of God. If somehow I won tickets, I will definitely fly over to catch Delli. And interestingly enough, a verification email came in on Friday 12pm. I won! For the Saturday show!!

My mom was at work and I even had to call her over the phone and say I had to fly overseas that night itself no matter what. It was such a last minute decision too but somehow even my mother gave her consent to go willingly. (Imagine the surprise any mother should have if your son did the same thing.)  Even the flight timing and price was a lucky find. It was very well known that flight tickets can be double or triple their promotion prices during such last minute bookings. It was even harder to get a good timing for this show too, because I could not take any flights on Saturday itself since it was gonna make me miss the show (the 5am flight was too expensive too). But again, interestingly enough, there was an affordable and bookable flight to Jakarta at 9pm. (Thanks LionAir!) I landed in Jakarta at 10pm.

Her last show…

I was seated with 2 other Delli fans. She did that pre-show message thingy, although to be honest, I couldn’t recognize her voice even. That was officially my first time seeing her in a BnT performance, and it was more than 6 months since I last met her. It was such a proud moment to see her on stage. For sure, there’s nothing better for any fan than seeing your oshi perform. But somehow that happiness couldn’t last long as all kinds of mixed feelings came into the atmosphere.

Delli was put in a mostly center position during the group songs. It was nice to see her in the spotlight for her last show. There were also consistent loud calls for her. For that, I am very grateful to both JOT and the members who switched positions.

As a fan, everything was nice from Dreamin’ Girls to Run Run Run. But by the time Mirai no Kajitsu came about, sadness began to creep in. I remembered that single particularly well. That was the first single dedicated especially for the 2^nd gen and Dellia was one of the few early members who performed that song live in April. Fans like me thought that it was gonna be a promising time for Delli but it was short-lived as we found out a month later that she wasn’t chosen in the senbatsu version for the single. Somehow it felt a little bitter as the song came about. It represented a lost chance.

It was strange having this happen right in front of yourself. To see the girls dancing as normally (as they should), but to understand that it was gonna be the last time that Delli and the other members were ever going to do it together. It was during this time and also that of Viva Hurricane, that I think other Dellia fans began to think of the same thing. Somehow it was just in the air. These 2 songs were really nice songs to listen to, but at that moment, the reason to listen to it was nothing except a sad one. I wonder if any Delli oshi’s who watched it that day could comment.

Everything was normal too during jikoshoukai. I don’t even remember what the topic was, except that it seemed normal. And the unit songs came as a fresh break from the mixed feelings. It was nice to be able to watch a performance and not -think-

Delligurashi

This was the moment many fans had been waiting for. The moment she came out, all the Delli oshi’s, particularly from the right side of the stage, gave her one of the loudest and united name calls ever. It was so loud that even I couldn’t get to hear what Delli was singing. But to be honest, I thought it was just the fact that she was so shocked by the sudden outburst of name call by her fans. It was truly a great moment. Her whole first verse was kinda soft, and it was only after her 2^nd verse when she managed to compose herself. She seems affected by the show of support though, maybe even moved by it. And for that I am grateful to all Dellia fans.

Me? I was bawling my eyes out. Delligurashi. I loved the song but I had not been able to see her perform it even once.  So it began to dawn that this will be the first time AND the last time I was gonna hear her sing this. Thoughts of regrets filled my head and emotions began to take over.As a fan, I wondered if there was more I could have done.Should I have been one of those few fans who bought 20, 30, 50 CDs to support her handshake event? Should I had come during other times to witness her performing Delligurashi?

The ending moments

Despite all this, Delli still managed a strong performance. As mentioned just now, she was still mostly center for most of the songs and that was something I am truly grateful for. After the other group songs, a Dellia encore call was started. This was a unique experience. There was not a rather unified beat or pace to the Encore call. Delli oshi’s on the left were doing it at one pace, while those at the right were doing it at another. And all the other neutral fans were left in between. It was a rather long call too (which usually meant people were gonna get tired). BUT- I felt that these did not ruin the encore call at all. Instead, it felt even more sincere. Maybe not 100% unified, but genuinely sincere. And this was coming from a majority of neutral fans too.

All normality of the show began to break down at the last MC before Boku no Taiyou. Dellia came out in her cute pink costume and the MC session was “What was it you would remember about Dellia” or something along that line. (No, I don’t particularly remember the answers by each member). But this was the time when members on stage could finally be honest with the situation – that this was really the last show for Dellia. Sisil was the first to break the veil of pretense. She turned her back, and quickly softened to the point where she was vulnerable to tears. Fans were trying to give her encouragement to not cry, or to say something. But it was not something she could control. It was a honest feeling and it prompted many hugs from members and from Dellia herself.

Delli was strong throughout the whole session. Members would recall at how she may be a quiet girl at times or whether they had few common interests when they first knew each other, but almost all the members would eventually turn into tears and end up with Delli giving them a hug and comforting them in the end.

I could do nothing except witness the sincerity on stage. Despite all the different words used by each member, I felt that underneath it all, they were just trying to make sense of their friendship to each other – A bond that had formed since the formation of the 2^nd gen, and one that would have been doubly stronger between all the JKT48 trainees – and the resulting loss from graduation. At one point all 15 members just gathered around her in a circle and gave her a group hug, saying words to one another that none of us could hear.

She finished strong. She said thank you for all the support from the fans and the members. She asked that we also continue supporting both JKT48 and herself too in the future. But, she never cried. I don’t know. Maybe she may have wanted to do so deep in her heart- but she did not do so in front of us. Maybe she felt it was not appropriate to be crying herself out of the stage, considering that it was her decision to leave. Maybe she had to stick to her elder sis persona in the group. Or maybe she was determined to just leave it all behind. Who knows? But what is certain is that there were many people in the audience who left the show having shared a tear or two.

 Last thoughts

I left the theater with a broken heart. It felt so bad I just wanted to book a flight home immediately. It wouldn’t feel the same again not having my oshi around for future JKT48 shows. Nonetheless, I am so very grateful to JOT and all the members who spent time and effort to make this unofficial graduation possible. Without this, many of us fans will be left hanging without closure. So, a big thank you to JKT48. May you continue to go forward in the right direction.